House Republicans unveil budget chainsaw: congressional snacks, DEI retreats, and turtle tunnels all on notice

In a rare act of fiscal clarity, House Republicans just pulled the curtain back on a new bill aimed at slashing congressional spending—and not a moment too soon. With the federal budget looking like Hunter Biden’s iCloud account (bloated, confusing, and somehow still active), conservatives are sharpening the axe.

The bill targets exactly what you'd expect: bloated office perks, endless consultant contracts, and taxpayer-funded studies like “Why Rural Communities Don’t Trust Smart Cities.” You know—the good stuff. Sources say it also includes a proposal to cancel congressional subscriptions to The Atlantic, which alone could save millions in lost productivity.

Highlights reportedly include:

• Defunding “wellness initiatives” that consist of guided breathing exercises between gender-sensitivity workshops

• Canceling the $27 million program for ergonomic beanbag chairs in the Senate

• Ending the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion “listening summit” series that’s spent more time in Hawaii than most Marines

It’s a symbolic gesture, sure. The bill has no shot in the Democrat-controlled Senate. But it sends a message: the Red Team is done watching your tax dollars get laundered through catered brunches and NFT seminars on the Hill.

Of course, the media’s response was swift and stupid. MSNBC called it “fiscally irresponsible” to cut government spending during a time of “existential climate anxiety.” The Washington Post described it as “dangerously performative,” which is rich coming from a newsroom that still pretends fact-checking means something.

What they won’t say out loud? The cuts actually poll well with normal people. People who can’t afford eggs don’t want to pay for congressional office murals of endangered frogs. Crazy, right?

And of course, this proves that Congress is deeply committed to reining in its own excess. After all, nothing screams “serious fiscal discipline” like a bill that slashes donut budgets and nameplate fonts—just before passing another omnibus that sends $80 billion to NATO-themed puppet theaters in Brussels. But hey, at least they tried.

#BudgetBattle2025 #CutTheCrap #SwampSnacksNoMore #DefundTheSnackBar #FiscalFlex #SymbolicButSavage