Trump Taps Kid Rock to Rewrite the National Anthem: “More Guitars, Less Guilt”

In a bold move to “make patriotism rock again,” President Donald J. Trump has officially commissioned Kid Rock to rewrite The Star-Spangled Banner into what insiders are calling “a banger for the modern republic.”

The executive order—signed onstage at a Monster Truck rally in Daytona Beach—declares that the current anthem is “low energy, overly apologetic, and lacking in electric guitar.”

“Francis Scott Key had a good run,” Trump said, addressing a roaring crowd waving flags and Coors Lights. “But we need an anthem that slaps.”

The New Anthem: What We Know So Far

Working title: “Freedom Ain’t Free (But It Sure Sounds Good)”
Leaked lyrics suggest the new anthem will include verses about:

• Firing AR-15s at dawn

• Bald eagles crying tears of diesel fuel

• Nancy Pelosi being booed into exile

• Jesus in a pickup truck

Sources close to Kid Rock say the chorus features a shredding solo, a beer can crack, and a screech from a live eagle named “Liberty.”

Military Bands Already Training

The Department of Defense has confirmed that all military branches have been ordered to learn the new anthem on electric instruments by July 4th.

Trump’s press secretary, Diamond McFreedom, said this change will “boost troop morale and testosterone levels by at least 23%.”

In a pilot program at Fort Bragg, soldiers reportedly saluted so hard during the test performance that three elbows were dislocated.

Outrage from the Usual Suspects

Naturally, the media elite, coastal liberals, and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau have expressed “grave concern.” NPR called it “sonically imperialist.” The UN issued a formal statement simply titled: “Please Don’t.”

AOC tweeted:

“The National Anthem is not a NASCAR theme song.”
To which Kid Rock replied:
“It is now, sweetheart.”

Final Note

From Mar-a-Lago to Mount Rushmore, a new anthem is rising.
Louder. Prouder. Shredded, not sung.

Because in Trump’s America, patriotism doesn’t kneel. It stage dives.