Trump’s Final Deal: How His Lobbying Efforts Put an American in the Vatican

In a twist that has stunned the global elite and left Italian cardinals sobbing into their rosaries, the College of Cardinals has elected the first-ever American Pope—and insiders say Donald J. Trump made it happen.

Holy Red Wave Hits Rome

Cardinal William “Billy” McAllister of Texas, now Pope Urban II Jr., was elected after what Vatican insiders are calling “the most aggressive spiritual lobbying campaign in history.” Reports suggest Trump personally hosted over a dozen golf retreats and private steak dinners with swing-cardinals in key dioceses.

One anonymous source in Rome described it plainly:

“Every time a vote was cast, there was a MAGA hat a little closer to the altar.”

The Art of the (Holy) Deal

Trump’s camp denies direct involvement, but leaked Mar-a-Lago guest logs show dozens of senior clergy members flown in on private jets labeled ‘Angel Force One’ in the weeks leading up to the conclave.

His son, Don Jr., posted cryptically on Truth Social, “My dad just got the biggest win of his life. And it’s eternal.”

A high-ranking bishop familiar with the negotiations claimed Trump offered “a mix of tax incentives, unrestricted communion wafers, and lifetime Mar-a-Lago memberships.”

Policy Changes Already Underway

Pope Urban II Jr. wasted no time signaling a shift in Vatican priorities:

• Vatican Gold Standard Reinstated: All future indulgences to be backed by gold.

• Border Wall Around Heaven: “If Peter doesn’t vet you, you don’t get in.”

• New Commandment Added: “Thou shalt not take low energy positions.”

The Pope also declared Sunday mass now includes a standing ovation for free enterprise and a 30-minute “Faith & Finance” homily inspired by the book of Art of the Deal.

Globalists in Meltdown

The move has left European leaders furious and MSNBC in full-blown existential crisis. France called the election “un canonique.” The UN has already drafted a resolution to investigate “religious populism.”

But supporters say this is long overdue.

“Finally, a Pope who speaks English, eats steak, and fears God—not Greta,” said Texas Governor Tucker Carlson.

Final Benediction

Some say it's heresy. Others say it’s destiny. But one thing is clear: Trump didn’t just drain the swamp—he baptized the whole damn thing.

And now? He’s got a direct line to God. And rumor has it, God voted red.