Trump Declares Country Music America’s Official Language

In a bold move to reclaim American culture from the clutches of “coastal snobs and French majors,” President Donald J. Trump has officially declared Country Music the official language of the United States.

Under the newly signed Cultural Integrity Act, all federal communications must now be conducted in fluent “country.” That includes metaphors, twang, and mandatory references to beer, trucks, exes, or God—preferably all four.

“We speak American here,” Trump said at the signing ceremony, flanked by Kid Rock, Jason Aldean, and a bald eagle named Merle. “And nothing is more American than a steel-string guitar and a woman who left you.”

What This Means for the Government

Effective immediately:

• All IRS tax instructions will rhyme and contain at least one line about losing a dog and claiming it as a dependent.

• Courtroom procedures must begin with a banjo riff and the phrase, “Now listen here, Your Honor…”

• Presidential addresses will include a spoken-word bridge and an acoustic outro.

A leaked Department of Education memo shows plans to replace all foreign language classes with Mandolin Appreciation and Advanced Heartbreak Composition.

Government Agencies Already Adjusting

• The Department of Homeland Security has rebranded to “The Honkytonk Shield.”

• Passports now include a required field for “Favorite Alan Jackson Song.”

• FBI agents must learn to two-step during basic training.

At the DMV, applicants must now answer questions in lyrical form:

“If your tire goes flat on I-95 and your girl just left with your cousin, how many feet must you signal before turning?”

Liberals Are Furious, Which Means It’s Working

CNN’s Don Lemon (now broadcasting via TikTok Lives from Vermont) called it “the end of intellectual civilization.” AOC accused Trump of “linguistic whitewashing.” Taylor Swift posted a vague but emotional Instagram Story and then promptly re-released a sadder version of The Star-Spangled Banner.

But fans of freedom—and fiddle—are celebrating.

“Finally, a government I can understand without Googlin’ it,” said one proud Georgia voter. “I trust a man who’s been cheated on more than a man with a degree.”

Final Chorus

They tried to cancel country.
Trump made it law.

Because in this America, we don’t just pledge allegiance—we harmonize it.