“Divine Intervention?” The Office of the White House Sends Suggestions for Next Pope, Mainstream Media Outraged

Washington, D.C. — In what freedom-loving patriots are calling a “holy flex,” the Office of the White House has reportedly passed along a respectful recommendation memo to senior Vatican figures suggesting a few American-approved qualities for the next pope.

While the document hasn’t been made public (yet), insiders say it contained clear, God-fearing values such as:

• “Firm in faith. Not in fashion trends.”

• “Able to preach the Gospel without referencing Taylor Swift lyrics.”

• “Strong handshake. Strong borders.”

• “Unlikely to bless wind turbines.”

Naturally, the typical alphabet media companies disguised as news outlets have completely lost their incense over the situation, accusing the Office of the White House of “meddling in holy matters.” One anchor even described it as “papal interference,” which definitely sounds like a call in the NBA no one understands.

The Office responded by stating that the memo was “simply an offer of spiritual alignment,” and emphasized that it's time for a religious leader “who doesn’t apologize for believing in something higher than hashtags.”

And now, the plot thickens…

Sources confirm that the Office of the White House has quietly requested courtside seating for the viewing ceremony of the conclave, with unnamed high-level figures expected to attend. No word yet on final outfits, but it’s been made clear: black, of course—mourning the death of weak leadership—but trimmed in red, white, and blue to signal spiritual liberation and national pride.

Vatican officials haven’t responded, although one was overheard saying, “We’ve never had a nominee backed by a steak dinner and a truck rally, but there’s a first time for everything.”

Meanwhile, spiritual social media is already fired up, with posts like:

“If he wears a MAGA mitre, I’m converting. #MakeTheVaticanGreatAgain”

And there you have it. Only time will tell if the smoke from the chimney will be white… or red, white, and blue.