Soy Boy Nation: The UN Wants to Replace All Military Rations with Plant-Based Slop by 2030

In what may be the most emasculating assault on national sovereignty since pineapple on pizza, the United Nations has unveiled a “Sustainable Combat Initiative” aimed at phasing out traditional military rations—yes, including beef jerky and protein bars—in favor of plant-based, emissions-neutral slop by 2030.

Leaked internal documents from the U.N.’s “Department of Nutritional Equity” detail a radical plan to replace time-tested MREs with something called “Combat Lentil Paste (CLP),” a grayish vegan purée designed to “nourish without harm.” The documents claim this soy-forward sludge will "reduce global carbon output by 0.0007%"—but at what cost?

“Tactical Weakness Is a Feature, Not a Bug”

According to whistleblowers (and one former Navy SEAL turned MMA fighter), the real goal isn’t sustainability—it’s sabotage.

“This stuff has less testosterone than a Jane Austen book club,” said the source. “You try storming a beach on quinoa and chickpeas. You’ll be crying halfway through your push-ups.”

Critics argue that by removing animal protein from soldier diets, the UN is effectively creating a generation of docile, sluggish warriors more suited to TikTok choreography than combat.

Pentagon Silent, NATO Nervous

So far, the Pentagon has issued no official response—but sources confirm that Canada has already adopted the rations and has since experienced a sharp uptick in poetry readings during training exercises.

Meanwhile, NATO allies are reportedly divided. France has demanded a wine pairing. Germany insists all soy be “responsibly sourced.” And Sweden... well, Sweden’s all in.

What’s Next?

If the UN has its way, by 2030 soldiers won’t fight wars—they’ll hug it out over hummus. But don’t worry. Leak Social will continue to expose these broccoli-brained agendas, one can of vegan goo at a time.

Because this isn't just about food. It’s about freedom. And the last time we checked, you don’t win wars on lentils.